Resentment Sucks.

Yeah, resentment sucks. It’s probably one of the most baffling emotions of them all. Let me explain myself. What I mean by that is, this one feeling, will have you experiencing several others….at once. For me, if I’m creating a resentment towards you, and I don’t mean getting pissed off, I mean a true resentment, then I obviously cared about whatever the reason may be at one point. You see, get me angry, and I’ll get over it. Frustrated, I’ll get over it. I can get frustrated at another car in traffic, but I’ll also get over it because it’s just not the same as resentment. Resentment will have you feeling angry, but anger is not resentment.

I’m going to relate to this from a relationship point of view. Mainly because I’ve never had a resentment against anyone else in my life before except for 2 people in particular that I was romantically involved with. People can build resentments towards other people for many different reasons. Could be family members, coworkers, or even friends. Doesn’t always have to be centered around love. Even when I communicated my resentful thoughts to my significant other, they still brewed inside of me, almost boiling over. Mainly because nothing changed to fix the issues by my partner. Even still, though, I could have ended things rather than dragged them on and on, which was just as bad as the issue itself.

Resentment can manifest inside you for a very long time, if not forever. It can carry itself into other areas of your life, maybe you’ll be aware of it or maybe you won’t. It can flow over into your professional life, your personal life, and basically into any and every area of your life. It can start to affect your future relationships that haven’t even come about yet.

So here are a few things I’ve learned along the way. Hopefully they can help you somehow.

1) Communicate!

I know I mentioned above that I communicated in the past. I still don’t feel that I did enough. Be sure to communicate with whoever is causing you to feel this way, every step of the way. If things aren’t changing, then communicate that. If they are, then communicate that also.

2)No slumps

Try to focus on the good of the situation. I know you’re probably thinking, how is there anything good dealing with resentment? Just try. Even if it’s the tiniest thing, grab it and focus on it.

3) Be willing

Be willing to move and grow past resentment. At times, I did not even want to move past it because I felt it was validated. That’s not good, and very wrong on my part. No matter the rights and wrongs, no matter who, where, when, or what, at the end of the day it was only killing me on the inside. Not anyone else. Don’t let that happen.

4) Writing!

Writing played a HUGE role in my forgiveness. If there are times when you just can’t communicate, whatever you do don’t hold it inside. A pen and paper is the perfect release. Write down who you’re upset at, why, and what and let it out. Now.

5) Change of scenery

If it’s possible, remove yourself from the situation. Actually, no matter the circumstances, take a good 3–5 break from it. If it’s your employment, take leave. If it’s at home, stay at a hotel or friends house. Just release yourself from the situation.

The main thing is, do whatever you can to not let it consume you. Try to find a way to work on forgiveness or some kind of way to balance out your feelings. If not, you will end up harboring ill feelings towards the person continuously, it will always be on the back of your mind. If it lingers inside you, it steals room for happiness, which means you’ll never be 100% happy. Annnd...

It's just not worth it.

- Jennifer Underwood 

How do you get over someone you love?

So, let's talk about the nitty gritty. 

Your relationship is in the mud and now you're forced to pick up what little bit of dignity that you have left and move on.....But how?...

 When the time comes, how do you get over that person you have shared your life with for a very long time? How do you tell yourself that it’s over and you have to let go? I just went through this exact scenario. To make a long story short, my husband of 9 years unexpectedly left me for another woman. We didn't have any issues, we never got into arguments or disagreements. The only thing was we both worked 60 hours a week, but even then I decided to make my company remote so I could be at home. He never was though, and didn't try.

So the day I came home to an empty home, his belongings completely gone, not a trace of him whatsoever. I then saw the dreaded letter. The "I'm sorry I left with ****** and it's over.

I've never felt a gut wrenching stab in my stomach like that before. I literally felt my breath being taken away. You would think any human with an ounce of a soul would have at least had the decency to give me prior notice, but of course not. 

You will feel the pain, yes. I'm just going to be real and raw right here, the pain hurts like hell. I'm not going to sit here and tell you it's all okay, because it’s not okay. You WILL be in time. Allow yourself to feel any and all emotions that you need to. Tearing up? Cry. Angry? Punch a punching bag. Grieving? Take time to yourself to process and deal with your feelings.

There's nothing wrong with taking time to try and get over someone. In fact, it's necessary and important to do so. If you don't, you'll bottle all these emotions up inside, never deal with them as they continue to fester inside you and you end up with a major resentment.

If you are harboring resentment, then you'll never truly be happy on the inside.

We have to allow the hurt, shock, numbness, anger to come. There's no way to let go of something if you don't accept it first.

I'm going to share with you some things that helped me tremendously, and some I wish I would have done. Last but not least, a couple that wouldn't hurt.

So here are things I suggest:

Unloving someone can be a tough journey, but it's definitely possible. Here are some steps to help you through it:

1. **Accept Your Feelings**: Acknowledge that it's okay to feel the way you do. Denying your emotions can make it harder to move on.

2. **Create Distance**: Limit contact with the person. This might mean unfollowing them on social media or avoiding places where you might run into them.

3. **Focus on Yourself**: Invest time in hobbies, interests, and activities that make you happy. This can help shift your focus away from the person.

4. **Seek Support**: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your feelings. Sometimes, just having someone listen can make a big difference.

5. **Reflect on the Relationship**: Think about why it didn't work out and what you can learn from it. This can help you gain closure and move forward.

6. **Practice Self-Care**: Take care of your physical and emotional well-being. Exercise, eat well, and get enough sleep.

7. **Set New Goals**: Focus on your future and set new personal or professional goals. This can give you a sense of purpose and direction.

Remember, healing takes time, so be patient with yourself. You've got this.

- Jennifer Underwood 

Some key ideas on what NOT to do while in a relationship 

Whoever said men were hard to figure out, were about 90% right I have to admit. However, there are quite a few characteristics that MOST, not all, do find attractive.

According to a study I had to do while in one of my communication classes, I had to interview 300 men about what was their #1 trait (not physical) that women held that they were not only attracted to, but drawn to. I asked about physical as well, but that's for another day.

 While individual preferences can vary widely, many men commonly look for some of the same key attributes:

1. Confidence:

Many men are attracted to women who are confident in themselves and their abilities. Confidence can be appealing because it often signifies self-assuredness and independence. This was the number 1 answer. 279 out of the 300 said confidence. There is something about a woman who walks in the room with her head held high, with a boss attitude (not rude or negative  - just like "Yeah I'm the shit and I know it, but I would be happy to teach you how to be the same so we can both sit up high" kind of gal. 

2. Sense of Humor:

A good sense of humor is often highly valued! Men appreciate women who can make them laugh and who can share in light-hearted moments, as it fosters connection and enjoyment. Plus, who doesn't like to launch. Research shows that men or women who have a funny personality have a 60% chance of winning the person they want over. While the others stayed in the 10-15% chance.

3. Kindness and Compassion:

Kindness is a universally admired trait. Men often look for women who are caring, empathetic, and exhibit a genuine interest in others. To my shocking dismay, they do like the "Good girls" It’s a sign of stability, which is wife material. 

4. Intelligence:

Many men appreciate women who are intellectually stimulating and can engage in thoughtful conversations. This includes being curious and knowledgeable about various topics. The whole dizty, giggly look is not what they like. Read that again ladies.

6. Independence:

Men often admire women who have their own goals, passions, and lives outside of the relationship. Independence can be attractive as it demonstrates self-sufficiency and ambition. Plus, it's just down right hot if you ask me. 

7. Physical Attraction:

While this varies greatly among individuals, physical attraction often plays a role. This doesn't mean adherence to a specific standard of beauty, but rather an appreciation for each other's unique traits. I'm a firm believer in physical attraction is a must though. It doesn't make sense to even try without it? I knew you'd agree. 

8. Supportiveness:

Men often appreciate partners who are supportive of their goals and ambitions. A woman who encourages and believes in her partner can create a strong emotional bond.

9. Authenticity:

Being genuine and true to oneself is an attractive quality. Men often seek women who are comfortable in their own skin and who don’t feel the need to put on a front. 

Bottom line is this ladies - Be your giggly, down to earth, smart, independent, sweet, confident and boss badass woman that you truly are!

- Written by Jennifer Underwood